This poem was originally published on my Instagram account agnelens, together with the preceding caption.
I sometimes write poetry but I never publish it. Most of it is deeply religious, despite what you’d think of me and my devotions or beliefs. I think religion is extremely fascinating even if I don’t necessarily believe in any deity myself. This poem is not religious.
I have a weird relationship with my country. When I wrote this poem, I was back at my parents’ home in Lithuania after spending a whole year abroad on my own. I love my country. I don’t think I deserve it, sometimes. It brings up feelings of shame and disconnection in me that makes me feel like a foreigner within my own borders. I often write about it.
I also write about Jewish culture. A lot. When I was 14 I used to know Kaddish. Now, years later, I forgot it. Now, I know the Hatikva and Tehillah 122, now I’ve changed as did my perception. Sometimes I think it doesn’t love me back — but then I get proven wrong. It has always welcomed me in all of its forms and outfits.
I often think about the atom bomb. Or the atomic bomb. Whichever you prefer. To me, it’s like a hand of judgement, a final word, a period at the end of this long and winding sentence.
I dream of love. In many ways. To me, to be Jewish is to love. I love my country and I love my culture and I love America too. I always have, despite adverse reactions and warnings.
I love writing poems. They’re all mine, after all. It’s like a string of thought, and I just put it out there, and I let it live.
Chag sameach.